You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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