Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
