Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
