I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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