Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
They are going to name an STD after you.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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