tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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