just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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