ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
