the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My vagina just clenched in fear
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
