you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
