a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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