I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
