Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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