I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
