He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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