I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My dick has a subreddit
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
