I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
