I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
