I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
