At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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