If that was your dad, he is hot
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
