I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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