can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
