it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
