My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
