im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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