Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
