well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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