I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's rum buckets o'clock
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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