he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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