I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
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