a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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