I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
