even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
