Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
