Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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