what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We left the knife in your bed.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
