i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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