Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
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