Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
