A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
