dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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