Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
