Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
