I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
