just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
