Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
