I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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