If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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