i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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