textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
