Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
