My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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