Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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